Friday, April 8, 2016

Bersyukur

Hari ni hari Jumaat. So, I thought I want to share with you my story about me pasal bersyukur. Feel free to share with me bout you as I love to hear it :)

I must admit I do have regret in life. A lot. Tak kisahlah about life, relationship, career, life-changing decision, one-time opportunity etc. I would ask myself;

“What if I do this instead of that? What if I choose that than this? Kalau aku buat macam tu, kalau aku take the chance mesti condition aku tak macam sekarang”

Thinking thing would be different. Or better. Do you guys feel the same way too?

“Tak apalah. Benda dah lepas. Tak ada rezeki. Nak buat macam mana,”

Cliché answer nak sedapkan hati but still, you have that sekelumit regret yang buat kau still sedih, right? Kalau fikir mesti rasa macam O shit, rasa down gila bro.

It was before. Not until something happen.

My story:
I notice that I’ve change a bit for the past several years. Lebih moody. Lebih emosi. Mungkin quarter life crisis. I don’t know why. Macam tak bleh get a grip on my life. Tunggang terbalik rasanya. Then ini la masa terfikir as I said earlier, asking myself if I choose different life before etc. rasa menyesal, sedih, mood swing 24/7. Kesan buruknya pada orang sekeliling. Pada suami, pada anak-anak. Thank god husband jenis tahan je dengan perangai bitchy bini dia ni, dah faham. Tapi anak-anak?

Kadang-kadang tertinggi suara. Sekali, dua kali, tiga kali. Tak adalah selalu tapi suddenly one day Adam (my eldest son), marah Iman (my second son) exactly sama dengan gaya ibu dia ni marah dia. Sedih mak. Mak sentap. Mak rasa berdosa. What have I’ve done?

Maybe exhausted jaga anak, rumah, bekerja? Maybe mak ada PPD (Post-partum depression)? Maybe. Or maybe It’s just another 1001 excuses that I can give.

Malam-malam tengok muka anak-anak. Sedih. Kita dah la sedih and pathetic. Buat kita lagi rasa down.  Serious. I ask myself again, What do I really want? I don’t know. I just want to lay down, curl up like a child, be sad and feel like a loser. I guess. Tak tahu. I’m lost. I feel so sad to think about it.

Satu malam, kita kemas barang-barang. My old stuff. I’ve found my old notebook. My “thought” book which I have this since 2004, I started to write everything in a book. Diari versi twitter or status update la. Tapi hardcopy and tak public. Then I come across this: About Me. Lin tulis:

“In 10 years from now, I see myself as full time housewife with 3 kids busy, juggling with volunteer 
works and all house chore with my big family to help Malaysian and at the same time finding the pursuit of happiness. I want to be a superwoman like Marina Mahathir, Martha Stewart and Siti Khadijah, to my family, at least. InsyaAllah, Amin.”

Oh my god! It’s like jumpa myself balik semula. This is it. This is what I want selama ni. Apa pasal la kita sedih sangat kan? Apasal la terasa lost sangat.

I said I want to be a housewife, educated housewife – I did.

I said I want to have 3 kids – I did.

I said I want to be a volunteer – I did.

I said I want to find a pursuit of happiness – I did. By doing what I want.

I said I want to be a superwoman – I am. I am superwoman. At least I wannabe.

Then, I remember what my ayah use to say masa Lin belasan tahun dulu. Kalau terasa kepala ni kusut, tak perlu fikir banyak. Fikir 3 benda ni je:

Ada makanan yang nak dimakan tak? Ada.

Ada pakaian yang nak dipakai tak? Ada.

Ada atap atas kepala tak? Ada.

Jadi? Apa nak kusut-kusut lagi?

Yes, ayah. I do hear and remember everything you thought me even Kaklong time tu acah-acah tak dengar. Rebel teenager orang kata.

Berbalik pada cerita asal. Agaknya tuhan nak tunjuk. Alhamdulillah. I’m glad. I feel better now. Mak bersyukur. Mak doa kalau mak rasa down tanpa sebab lagi, mak mohon tuhan bawa mak balik semula ke jalan yang benar dan tak tersasar. Mak doa supaya mak tergolong dalam gologan orang yang bersyukur. Amin.

So sekarang ni semua matlamat dah capai, apa mak nak buat lagi? Focusing to be better person than semalam would be good. After all, lahir mati rezeki jodoh tu smua dah tertulis. So usaha, then pray ;)
Till then, Salam Jumaat.

P/S: Mak doa semoga mak jadi orang yang istiqamah.

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